• #Literature: @yuvizalkow Has Headaches & Unfortunately They're Making Beautiful Words

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  • #Literature: @yuvizalkow Has Headaches & Unfortunately They're Making Beautiful Words
  • Posted by: Lalanii, April 5, 2016
  • They're so not beautiful in a beautiful way. Just when you think there isn't anyone who understands what you're going through, you stumble across someone who clearly does. 

    Yuvi, this video is lovely and thank you for it! 

    The way he explains being able to feel his heartbeat pump, yea, he gets it. The way he has these unexplainable headaches. 

    My favorite lines of his being when he talks of being pain free for a few moments and he just enjoys it. 

    "I don’t know how many more minutes of this I’ll get."


    He also talks about the pressure a writer feels to always write, write, write. Sometimes, I forget to enjoy anything because of wanting success so badly. To family, I'm already successful, there's nothing to prove. I'm a failure by my standards. 

    It is often I forget the journey, I forget there is one. It is often I forget everything except the race against the clock to become something for myself, for my son, for the family who seem to think I'm doing fine. That's on the outside. It's what's inside that counts. 

    I've been pretty sick lately. It's hard to do anything when you're sick. You know how quicksand works? Like that.

    I make promises to my puppy to walk her right after my next draft. Right after my next blog or Instagram post. Right after the next hashtag, I'll start my life. After we close the next deal. After less guilt and pity. I'll walk you babe. I promise. "Notebook," my puppy, hasn't been walked in over a week. Keyword: over.

    I had a minor eye surgery and by minor I mean the doc stuck a needle in my eye and told me not to worry it was numb. It wasn't. The medication they gave me to speed my recovery made me feel worse. Why? Because that's how medicine is designed, to make you worse. To fix one problem and trump another. Here: pop this pill and slowly develop 900 other worse issues you're not aware of yet. 

    I make promises to enjoy quality time with the people I love. 

    That quality time comes and goes and I've put so much pressure on that time being special; it makes it harder for it to actually be special to me. I think time is fleeting and I think of things I could be doing that I'd feel better about because it isn't so much pressure that we only have 7.35 hours left to spend with each other.

    I can't enjoy sitting here inside of this stupid quality time with this stupid quality person because everything else is better than admitting I'm afraid of not having that time anymore. Because that time is so small, because time is so small. So sweet little sweet and so quality time has become somewhat irritating and chore-like to maintain a certain fake happiness when the reason I'm not happy in the quality time is because I know that time is too small for me to be happy in, it's not enough of it to enjoy.

    When I was a kid I loved Playdough. I always tried to make something better than the last doughy specialty by me. What I realized was I either ran out of the color I wanted to use, or my little design got hard while I was creating my even-better masterpiece. In the middle of looking for something better, I was missing what was there already. 

    By the time I relax enough to enjoy my quality time and breathe out, it's over. It's impossible to make a certain set hours special because I know they're too limited. I'll want these hours back later when I'm not pouting inside of the quality moments I should be enjoying. I'll wish I felt it more. 

    I make promises to myself that it's my year but it not only doesn't feel like my year. It doesn't feel like my decade. I missed my calling, but I heard my name. I'm so close to being so far. I'm always sick. If I'm not on some fancy pedestal somewhere, I'm in bed. Not feeling sorry for myself. Just feeling sorry. 

    I make promises that tomorrow is a more energetic day, tomorrow is a bigger day, tomorrow is the day I'm making my smoothie and running at the gym, and checking off everything on my list, and then tomorrow comes and I'm not interested in any of that, because I have, a headache. Not Yuvi's headache... more of a body ache, heady-ache, hearty-ache. When I went to the doctor last week for a completely unrelated issue the scrub nurse after I explained to her my symptoms goes: 

    "Well, it sounds like influenza, would you like to be tested to see if you might be carrying the flu?"

    She didn't realize I already knew I was carrying some type of flu, it just might not be detectable on her radar. I said, I know, my life is a flu sometimes. And then I let her swab the inside of my nostril anyway.

    I did not have the flu, albeit the hot and cold sweats and the ache in my body. I had some type of bad reaction to a reaction to another medicine. And the terror was/is... exactly that which Yuvi mentions in his video, the fact that you don't know when/if it's going to get better for you because they didn't actually find the problem.

    Like it or not, I'm going to have to learn how to love quality time. Time that is numbered. A ticking clock as my enemy. Pain as my frenemy.

    "I make bargains with the God I don’t believe in."


    I make plans and want to cancel them. I don't have the energy. I try not to waste the time I end up wasting. I self-medicate. I'm never drinking again because that made me worse. I'm not going to give an excuse, but my excuse really was my reason. I really suffer from headaches and flu-like symptoms, and various issues in various moments and I'm having a very hard time with quality time and promises. I'm having a very hard time with everything. 

    "I’ll still keep trying to get up until I can’t anymore."


    I hear you Yuvi, hang in there. Follow him and buy his book. Now!


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