Relationships are hard. They play into a place inside of you where you have to admit, submit, and work together.
At lunch this afternoon:
GOOD WRITER FRIEND: SoOO, how was the weekend?
ME: Have you heard that snippet in the Matrimony song, with the Seinfeld clip?
GOOD WRITER FRIEND: No [dead silence]
ME: Ok, have you ever gone to the mall and saw the perfect outfit - only to find out it was not ever made in your size, you can't order it online, and it's so rare it can't even be taken in for alterations?
GOOD WRITER FRIEND: Nahh, not really.
ME: Well, have you ever been in a dream and woken up to another dream inside of it... only to find out you weren't dreaming?
GOOD WRITER FRIEND: So you had an unbelievably humorous, impossible weekend so much as you aren't sure if any of it really happened?
ME: You just summed up my entire dating life.
I am really tired of up. Down, Up. Excitement reeks of let down. Imaginary inadvertent inklings. Psychosis. Lol.
Maggie Nelson quotes Jacques Lacan in the The Argonauts, "To align oneself with the real while intimating that others are at play, approximate or in imitation can feel good. But any fixed claim on realness, especially when it is tied to an identity, also has a finger in psychosis. If a man who thinks he is a king is mad, a king who thinks he is a king is no less so."
Sick of shit list:
1. Anything outlandish.
2. Underdeveloped behaviors. KNOW what you want, and better yet, WHO.
3. Promises with the eyes. Say some shit with your mouth, real words. Use your words.
4. Jealousy. There's just that.
5. The only game I have time for is Tetris. I haven't played in over six months.
Dizzy and unconscious. Big question is this?
Did I make it all up in my mind? Or did I really see the best version, the version that didn't exist.
Best said here:
“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
I know Liz, I know.