Lalanii Rochelle

Nonfiction

But You Do Have Some Say In Who Hurts You
Dating, Raunch
Posted by: Lalanii, November 28, 2013
What else? The kind of person that makes your whole world gleam through a picture window on a Sunday morning. One whiff cures what’s empty and fixes ill perceptions. I have a playlist he can hold me tight to. What else? A lullaby in our own language. “That heart-attack thing you’ve been having? It’s love, that’s what it feels like,” (so says Alice). Blueberries that dance in my smoothies mid-morn. Strawberries that get snow fuzz in two days without attention. Out on the lawn dreaming-up my wish list, watching beige ants in the rain, praying, praying like it’s not scary anyway.

Welcome to my world as I don’t know any of it. As I’m learning.

Sometimes you have good days: You know a tomato ‘sammich’ on honey wheat bread with avocado and pepper makes you happy days, and then you have days like yesterday. I explain? M’k.

So… there are mornings when waking up is harder than usual. Not because I’m tired, not because I don’t feel like working out, not because there’s something I’m not looking forward to, but because mentally I’m eerily prepared that this day ain’t ready. That this day ain’t knowin’ how tragic I’m going to mope through it. (In actuality, how radically I’m going to fail myself.)

Before 9 am I was out $400. By 1 pm I’d made 3 mistakes I could have prevented had I not been so distraught about my first mishap, and by 4 there was paperwork and explaining. The latter of the day two editors to train on Google Drive, meeting with my nutritionist, two unexpected and quite terrible phone calls, and a long drawn out decision to finally give up for the day. It wasn’t going to go my way.

What else? Learning to let go of the things I no longer need: The old heels I not only don’t look at, but don’t wear. My 3 rings, I know, the 3 rings I’m still majorly attached to– they have to go. My middle closet hiding space and every single thing in the trunk of my car. O. What else? Trusting myself to heal. What else? Slow-i-n-g down the process. What else? Making better decisions. What else? I do get a say in who hurts me. What else? I do get a say in tomorrow’s choices. It’s not about how you fall down as much as how you get up. It’s not about how you fall down as long as you know how to get up.

Chuck Palahniuk said “Have your adventures, make your mistakes, and choose your friends poorly — all these make for great stories.”

Well, we can check all of those off my list.

P.s. I like my choices.

Picture Credit: The Fault In Our Stars, John Green