• Rant: What Can Beyonce, Coldplay, & Bruno Mars at the Super Bowl Teach Us About Where We Are In Life?

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  • Rant: What Can Beyonce, Coldplay, & Bruno Mars at the Super Bowl Teach Us About Where We Are In Life?
  • Posted by: Lalanii, February 7, 2016
  • Nothing. 


    My family says stuff to me like: 


    But I’m not, I never was.

    Wherever it is that I was supposed to be backfired.

    It wasn’t the reality I was intended to have.

    What exactly was it?

    Well… I’ll tell you.

    It was a series of mishaps. Of missteps. Of distractions. Of people I told myself deep in my heart I loved, but in reality I never did, I compensated for what I felt I needed at the time, which is not to say they weren’t great people… but is to say they weren’t that one.  That one person. They were notches.

    A notch.

    On my imaginary belt, because I don’t actually give a f, about how many belts we all have or better how many notches… what I care about is that I’m constantly progressing. Bettering myself. Making myself into the person I’ve only dreamt I could be. What matters is I’m a person I’m proud of, and those decisions are pivotal to success, those decisions make or break me. I’m afraid of tomorrow, but fear is great. I train with fear; I work through fear, because if you aren’t afraid of something… you don’t have anything to lose… the danger in that is bigger than any success.

    I’ve watched the love of my life not fear anything. ANYTHING.

    I watched him die.

    That was ok, but not without the lesson. I miss who he was, and I fear what he is. And I love who I am because of the experience. He never adopted the term “train smarter not harder.” I did. He’s dead to me.

    The lesson being; there was no way to live or love, without a sacrifice. If you can’t sacrifice, like truly put someone else before what you know you want or need… you aren’t ready for what real love means, what that is… is still beyond who you are. I’ve had to accept that as ok, but I continue to better myself.

    I’ve had to be ok, with who I am, at the place where I am now.

    At the place that’s bigger than the physical place I sit. To try to become the person who understands that in order to have everything, you simply have to have nothing.

    You have the chance to be nothing. You have that chance but it’s hard to take.

    Let me tell you it’s truly humbling. It’s a form of crumbling. The type of crying that’s built from the design: ‘ you know what YOU want isn’t what the person you love more than anything in this world wants.’ When you know what you are, and who you are and the person you’d lie down in the middle of the street for, wouldn’t do so for you, or better, wouldn’t even stop YOU from lying down in the middle of the street yourself, you have to accept that there are some absolute faults in life. In its makeup, in the design of getting to know a person, you have to accept the fact that the way you’ve been created MIGHT not match with the person you love… and then, do one of two things:

    1. Love them from afar and hope (dream, dare if you will; pray) that he comes back to you the way you loved him.

    2. Let him fucking go.

    You have to learn to love no one. I juggle. 

    You have to love yourself, simply truly, honestly, as is.

    I’ve hated that idea too long to do that, but guess what? Somehow in the middle of my excuses, there was some fight left. At my weakest points there was an ocean sunset, there was a window, and something left to look forward to when everything I had was no longer there.

    Someday I’ll be something of my dreams. Maybe I am already. Maybe, to dream that big is to already be there. 

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