He Talked Himself Completely OUT of My Panties
- Dating, For Fellas, For Ladies, Humor, Lifestyle
There are very few (twice in my life thus far) times I can say a man has talked himself into my panties. 3 occasions come to mind (one of which has never happened):
- He said 'I love you,' which I now know usually isn't true.
- He projected false hopes (talked about how our future would look like when in actuality we had no future beyond the night)
- He impressed upon me--intellectually-- which is for me the most sought after, albeit most rare.
Kudos to him for not projecting false hopes. But for also not doing anything else impressive << :-/ (Yes that is a sideways, awkward face) AND especially rah rah for him making it DAMN clear that he wouldn't be 'loving' me anytime soon if at all, lucky me. Last night, after a great dinner of (whatever else do I ever eat except seafood) shrimp yumminess, ceviche and a peach banana margarita, [red] he gave a few sweeping generalizations that talked himself COMPLETELY out of my panties—those panties I so readily wanted him to have. What? I do what I want, do judge. Lol. On the car ride home he said something that tickled in the wrong place, possibly because I heard it before from a really bad person, but also because it sounds jaded and simple-minded, but specifically because I don't believe people can fully control their emotions unless they're medicated. He said something (and if I'm not quoting it exactly forgive me—it's still boiling) along the lines of this:
Women, even if you tell them you don't want a relationship—tell them you aren't ready for that, but you have a great time with them, you'd do a lot with them and for them, [women] still think you're going to change your mind about a relationship with them when you start sleeping with them. You start sleeping with them and they think you'll start believing in the 'relationship' you already told her at the beginning you DIDN'T want. They say something like 'I know you said you weren't ready but you've been sleeping with me and being with me and...' They fall in love with you anyway and get heartbroken when you aren't in love with them back. THEY DON'T LISTEN.
Wow. Talk about take the HINT. Thing is, sex is important, important as hell in the development and chemistry of a friendship, but intuition is better, especially in the beginning. My [red] velvet cupcake has clearly stated he doesn't now, and possibly might not want a relationship, and I'm a serial monogamer. Sure wish I'd known this sooner, but at least I know now. I could fight it back with: but he's doing everything in line with wanting a relationship, or maybe this is just a defense mechanism so he doesn't get hurt.... but no matter how I spin it, he has told me what he doesn't want, and it is now up to me to listen, or to my detriment, not. After a few ridiculously fun outings, a trip out of town, and the last few conversations feeling similar to pulling baby molars—I get it. The cutesey intimate touching dwindling away already, cue the kisses he no longer leaves me with, and in the booth at dinner he sat so far away from me, that you could have easily put another person in between us and we all would have hardly touched shoulders. There was very little flirting, but the unnerving underlying 'I definitely wanna fuck' was there, perhaps too strong to be in my imagination, and obviously too uncomfortable to take myself any further now fully understanding that we are two very DIFFERENT—very REAL people needing and wanting different things. Let me make myself clear-er-er. NOTHING WRONG WITH SEX. Wanting it, Needing it. Something wrong with two people not being up front with their sentiments. I lay it out there:'Not ready to 'marry the fuck outta anybody' but sorta ready to practice seriously getting to know someone enough to warrant something exclusive. Basically I'm eventually hoping for the man that changes the game and turns my scrabble pieces pink.' So I thank him, for talking himself OUT of my panties last night and all ever nights because I'm human and want a healthy-happy ever-last--ish? (at least) friendship that blossoms into a relationship, not a f*ck buddy (been there) not a friends with benefits (fell in love with him, that didn't work) but an actual relationship a man is willing to stand in line for--in the cold even if he is perhaps the only one in line and the door is just closed because I'm scared. Scared to give my body and emotions repeatedly and openly (as one does in a relationship) and scared, scared to 'over-like' so soon without reciprocation, scared—that sex would give me a heavier 'clingy' than I need without any real commitment... Scared that sex isn't now nor was it ever what I wanted without commitment anyway. So scared that once again, I fell asleep, and when he attempted to hold me—I forced myself to sleep harder so as not to deal with reality. To not respond to his foreplay attempts to tamper with my bra-less breasts, to feel his eyelashes on my cheek as he kisses on my neck wishing for sex as, I, wished his impermanence away. I want someone that doesn't over-assume in sweeping generalizations that I'm 'just like every other girl' that will 'hear what she wants to hear instead of what I've said' or the girl that cries over the boy that didn't want her even though that boy never said he ever would or did. I hear you loud and
[red]clear, rather. I want someone long-term that will 'know' I want that, not fear it and put up a wall of 'not-readies,' 'emotionally unavailables' because of his ex, or 'I bet you're gonna love me too-soons...' Ha ha ha. Betcha I'm not. I forced myself to sleep. And later, when he woke to leave, I lay still-- WIDE AWAKE -- listening to him gather keys, pants, phone, and somewhat huffily not bother with a kiss goodbye, and let himself out. I don't expect to hear from him again.
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