Because You Owe Me!
People like titles. Names. On resumes. For songs, names of our goldfishies, turtledoves, bunnies, names of our decrepit family members. It always sounds so much better when I speak to my waiter by name, maybe a wink or two. How much more personality did my car have to me when I gave her the name 'Strawberry?' Tons. But what about relationships? Do we title our relationships? And if not, do we eventually? How soon after we either begin dating someone or begin sleeping with a person do we say out loud or in our heads, that this person can formally be introduced as 'my boyfriend/girlfriend?' Is it subjective depending upon who the person is and the vibe/aura you feel, or the chemistry this person emits? Should there be standards and rules and when you meet the 'Gamechanger' (the person that goes against said standards, rules, and supersedes expectations) do those rules stand to be broken? Does any of it matter if you're having a damn good time enjoying the person and getting to know whatever it is they're about, or does the lack of title set you up (me up, us as women up) for heartbreak? My friend and I were having this talk over Asti (sweet white wine) the other day. Initially she spoke about the title: 'Enjoy yourself and see what it does.' (Her exact words were 'See what it do') and then you wait, you wait in what is unexpected. I haven't mentioned yet that surprises annoy me a bit in this way:
Tangent alert: Surprises annoy me because they mess with my ability to plan, to deliver ready-conclusives, and OCD my way into or outta something. Surprises force me to relinquish control. We are talking about a person who generally knows what time a movie starts, ends, and is generally there to see the majority of the previews why? Because of Moviefone. But that same urgency-adrenaline-wreck a surprise gives to me, is the same emotional tug that intrigues me. The break in monotony. The element of the unexpected causes me to come back for more, while the predictable bores me after what I've painfully realized more than once, is about ten days. - Lalanii, on surprises
Halfway through the bottle she confesses (aka contradicts) that the 'title,' or rather, 'recalling when she knew things were going in the right direction' was undoubtedly when her 'Gamechanger' put his arms around her and whispered at the tip of her earlobe the musical words she longed to hear. She'd asked where they were going, or what they were going to do (I can't remember which) and he'd responded with something to the likes of: 'You're my girl, anywhere you wanna go, anything you wanna do is fine, jus' wanna be with you.' Realize that she ain't heard a thing after You're my Girl. Real Noah, in The Notebook-like. This is why us women are fucked up! If we keep waiting for Noah, the likelihood of anything really pretty happening is slim, because that was just a movie. A man on today's market-menu expects a woman to do the majority of the work for him. Let me not generalize, I HATE categories as much as I love them, but it is true that a colossal majority of decent men like to be pursued these days, in my own humble experience. I agree with reciprocation, although, I just can't see myself chasing. After a certain amount of time motives, perceptions, and possibilities become clear. I remembered this guy I used to hang with, a while back. For me the most important things, the things that grab me in are:
- Drive and potential
- Physical attributes
- Kismet and chemistry
Let's not fail to say that in the story I'm going to quickly sum up - this man had all of these. Maybe a stretch to say his drive was uncommonly strong, but his potential made up for the lack of drive in the way people usually make excuses for the shortcomings of the people we like. He was incredible, he could've worn the red suit with the cartoon i, mid-chest, incredible. One of the very few people I used to stay up all night talking to and head straight to work after, never having closed my eyes. The type of person with an infectious demeanor. His presence was what I won't forget, long after I've forgotten the emotions that developed over the 1.5 years we hung out frivolously. By hung out, I mean, I got attached. He got, high. He broke the standards, as in, I don't like men that smoke, generally. But I rationalized that he was a functional smoke-a-holic, though they rarely ever are. A week and maybe three days into the most rapturously enchanted delightful overflow, I was spent emotionally. What did I ask this man after knowing him for almost two-weeks? 'Where is this going? I mean, like, what do you want, or like, do you see yourself in a relationship? And if so, when?' If I were on-stage somebody would've thrown a big ass avocado at my forehead. [klunk] It might have been the most brilliantly-idiotic and majorly-awesomely clumsy thing I've ever done. My best friend would've whispered 'whooooooahh horsey!' His response: 'Man, you cool, but I on't even really know you like that yet, I don't really know you Lalanii' Might I stress the usage of my name (the only title I have at this point) echoing melodically in my ear, confirming more strategically - my dumbassness. I spent the rest of the year with him. I'd meet other people, not like him, but other people, and I'd talk to them - but my nights belonged to him, and not always physically, but mostly - and always intimately. It got to the point where my call would cause him to answer the phone, 'What time?' Yea, and this was the guy I would swear wasn't anywhere near my type. If there is such a thing that matters enough. 'Time' was my title. I should've just changed my name to Time. Fix this whole mess up, right here and there. What I know now, that I didn't know then is if someone is consistently giving you their time - the energy to speak to you, answer your calls, letting you in a bit - little by little, you have the answers to most of your questions. At least for the current frame of mind, which is all we can and need to see. If things don't move along progressively, then you gauge what you're willing to accept, and how long you're willing to accept it for. Especially, without a title. So you see, not having a title can work in our favor, ladies and gentlemen, because we can essentially have less leeway - have less patience if so desired, and having a title can work less in our favor for the expectations that a 'title' generally prematurely places on a relationship, usually before that relationship is ready. If a name doesn't matter try calling out the wrong one in the throws. No, I kid. I kid. Not having a title coincides with surprises for me. The title behaves the same way in my mind. How marvelous is it to receive flowers you weren't expecting? Very marveloso. But how fantastic is it to have your un-titled interest come over and replace a burned-out lightbulb? Unusually phenomenal. It's the element of surprise. And practicality. And the fact that he noticed, and he gets triple points for me not having to ask for a teensy favor, 'cause you know how us damsels hate to have to ask. Yes, there's comfort in the feeling of 'just knowing' when something is right, and leaving it at that. There's more comfort in the things two people understand between each other that they don't have to say or speak about at all. Often times, in the interest of understanding and communication it is best to ask more questions before you allow your heart to ask for anything as bigly as asking for a title. It should be clear that when a woman (or man) wants a title what she is probably asking you for is your undivided attention. He or she is hoping for the grandiose introduction of belonging to someone. Namely, you. Problem is, it isn't warranted because there are so many people that don't respect it anyhow. A quote I love from the movie Love Jones:
Nina Mosley: You always want what you want when you want it. Why is everything so urgent with you?
Darius Lovehall: Let me tell you somethin'. This here, right now, at this very moment, is all that matters to me. I love you. That's urgent like a motherfucker.
The movie follows two young lovers whoa - if both were initially honest with their feelings for each other, could have avoided the heart-break, or the break up all together. It highlights that even through the harder moments we must all recognize what is there, what that Time means to us, the small Time. The large amounts of Time. So much pride in courting these days. Tit for tat. When I watched Love Jones the other day it hit so close to home I had to re-think one of my all time favorite quotes:
'All of these people running around here jumping, ... falling in love ain't s**t. Somebody talk to me, please, about how to stay there.' - Love Jones
So many superficial misconstrued shenanigans, so much hiding behind what has hurt us, or what we fear will. Yea, I'm human, so I want to be linked and relevant to someone other than myself, and correspond individually - while existing consecutively, yes... but sometimes I wonder why it can't just be so wide - why for me it's so hard to unfold and discover? Why do we need to owe each other anything? How come we can't just light up the sky with it?
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