• Game of Throwpillows - My Dating Profile Exposed

  • Ask LaylaDatingFor FellasLifestyleRaunch
  • Game of Throwpillows - My Dating Profile Exposed
  • Posted by: Lalanii, June 20, 2015
  • “There’ll be virtual amusement parks 

    where you can drown in the milk of your first lover’s thighs. 


    When you have a feeling, you’ll be able to push a here button

    so you’ll always know how to get back.” 

    -Jeffrey McDaniel, Chapel of Inadvertent Joy

    I have this picture I save. Like a Dream Board, of this old couple, wrinkled as all get out, head to toe in their pajamas, jumping on an unmade bed. When people ask me what I’m looking for in a man, if I even want to use the word “looking,” I hesitate. There is no better way to explain than that image; but because my homegirls and I are all out n’ about creating Online Dating profiles, here goes I. 

    Dating profiles always sound so selfish and narcissistic, but since they can always be revised (and having a personal website is already beyond the level of being put in an intrusive glass case) I figured what the hell, I’d copy paste my draft.

    So here it is: 

    1. I want a guy who wants to play with me, jump on the bed like hot bubbly lava is gonna get us.

    2. Wake up to clinky pots and pans, if he’s trying to cook; I appreciate that try, if he’s made a good meal and I forgot to thank him— I will remember to m*a*k*e it up, and it will be better than his thank you would have been. 

    3. I want him to remember the way I like my coffee, my protein shake and my omelette. I don’t want him to ask.

    4. I want him to keep some kind of mystery about himself, but be as open with his feelings and as transparent with his thoughts. I want him to be perfectly flawed.

    5. I want Noah in The Notebook like every other girl in the world, but if he can’t build me a house wearing no shirt the entire time, I am sure we’ll be ok with a condo and a good workout plan. 

    6. I like traveling, puppies and being active. I do not travel currently, lol. 

    7. I want him to have an interest in what I’m interested in, but not because he wants to appease me, but because he’s truly interested in at least some aspect of what I’m into. I really want mental, emotional, and physical compatibility and the reason this doesn’t happen overnight, is because these things have to be nurtured, grown. 

    “If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.” 

    — F. Burton Howard

    8. I want a guy who wants to play games with me, not with my heart. Yes, games. Jenga, Tetris, Cards Against Humanity. . . so on and so forth. (Fancy/unfancy dinners, vacations, and eclectic happenings ~ a plus.)

    9. Someone who doesn’t mind a strong-willed-talkaholic-workaholic, but someone who also knows when (and more importantly, how) to put me in my place. 

    10. I want him to spend the time getting to know me, and in doing so, I want him to forgive my faults — but work with me through them as I will his.

    11. I’d like him to see (and acknowledge) my attempts at being a better person as a whole, the bigger picturesque… where I’m trying to get, and offer his suggestions and I want him to push me to accomplish more things. 

    12. I want someone who wants to jump on the bed with me, not just fall asleep with me, not just a lover, a friend.

    13. A person who understands the importance of making a girl laugh.

    14. A person who listens, a person who teaches, (for goodness pump your brakes and teach me something I don’t know), a person who is not afraid to talk to me about our shortcomings together, our hopes (we should have at one point) and a person who doesn’t mind a run-on sentence, or ten.

    15. A person who isn’t terrified to hold my hand, but who knows at which point to do so, and at what point a hug will suffice.

    16. Make-believe. I want him to be able to tell a good story and if he doesn’t believe in magic, I want him to entertain the idea and then stand tight to his own beliefs.

    17. A person who would not mind keeping me company.

    18. A  person to bounce ideas off of, a backbone. A person who knows how to play.

    19. Likes: Mangoes. Equinox. Fashion. Writing. Moët with a splash. Dislikes: Worrying. 

    20. Please proceed with caution: this person may not exist. 

    What do you all want in a significant other? 


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